My GriefJuly 26, 2010
Location (City, State): TN
I knew this would be hard but I wasn’t prepared for the way everyone would move on so much faster than me. There is a vast emptiness inside of me that I don’t know how to fill and I am beginning to realize that it cannot be filled, since that would mean there were a replacement for you. My identity seems to be almost completely erased with your death and I can never really go home again. Nothing is the same to me anymore, I feel like I am starting my life over again without any direction or real purpose.
Motivation is non existent and I have no energy. No one gets it and honestly I wouldn’t want anyone on this earth to ever have to go through pain and suffering of losing the only parent they have to a terminal illness. Friedrich Nietzscheat once said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” but he did not go through what I have or what my Mother did and I beg to differ as this has left me broken,
vulnerable and in no way whatsoever a stronger person. I will not
count my blessings today…because I am angry, I will not turn the other cheek because I am not noble or good and I just do not have the strength to be the better person right now. I will not be joyful that she is in a better place because she loved where she was before she died. I will not do it…not today and maybe not tomorrow either. The only thing I am very sure of is that I miss you so much Mom and you did not deserve to have your life shortened and I am not going to pretend that I am not crushed beyond recognition. I don’t appreciate the stupidity behind people saying that this is God’s will because it certainly is not. My God does not will bad things to happen to good people…and Mom, you excelled at being a good person, especially to me. I reserve the right to be stunned, self centered and tragic.
Mom, if it’s true that tears shed for you are considered a celebration of your life, then I am partying way to much.
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